Question: "How do you prepare yourself for a final exam that you're 75% sure you're going to fail no matter how hard you study??"

well, that's something that i've been contemplating for the past 2 days as my monday morning eng306a linguistics final gets closer and closer...
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...and Closer, and CLOSER, and....AAAHHHH it's here!!

well, i've never been one to wimp out and not face things head on, but i'm seriously feeling pretty helpless for this one. i mean yeah, i've been going over notes, doing practice questions, reviewing mid-terms and stuff, but it just doesn't seem to be sticking? not sure if it has anything to do with the brain injury, i mean my OT always told me to take it easy and be wary of it, but i never wanted to make that my excuse for not succeeding. you know how it goes: "mind over matter", "brains over brawn"... but, what happens when the "mind/brains" aren't 100%? uy...but anyway, i've resolved to not overstress the noggin before an early morning exam, go home and eat a good meal =P, get a good night's rest, and most importantly, pray. i seriously don't think i do this enough.

now i'm not saying that i think it's ok to only pray out of desperation (like using God as a lifeline), and only turn to prayer as a last resort, no. rather than that, something i often forget is that prayer ought to be right up there as one of the first things i do. but time and time again, God has shown me that there is only so much that i can do by myself, for myself.

in this particular situation, it's just been so long since i've taken a look at the material, not since the last day of classes pretty much. been so busy studying for my other finals, and when i finally found time to face the laws of linguistics, i might as well have been reading a CS textbook. over and over again i read it, over and over again i forget it. the prof was a decent guy, i tried to get interested in the material (and at some points i did), but it's just so far out there. i took the course because i needed an elective, and my mom (no i'm not blaming her =P) was flippin through the calendar and goes "Oh hey, linguistics is interesting, i remember i took it in university." so i figure hey what the heck...(what was i THINKING???) ahh well, too late. my OTs had always cautioned me about the lingering effects that a TBI would have on my processing/memory/learning abilities. i've been lucky enough to have performed reasonably well (actually, miraculously well) so far by the grace of God, so i guess this may just be a final little speed bump or somethin.

well, why am i wasting all this potential "study-time" blogging? i guess it's just a good way to let out some stress, and kill time while my pasta's cooking. nothing short of a miracle is what i'm asking for here i guess if want to pass this course, but hey if i don't, no biggie. one elective, i can easily pick another one to tackle either distance ed., find an equivalent course at a university back home, or *gasp* come back to 'Loo to finish off the degree?? well, let's not prove the "self-fulfilling prophecy" that i've learned so much about in social psychology (uggh...can you believe it?! applying what i've learned??). as long as i know i've tried my best, both physically and mentally, the rest is up to Him.

so, as i sat downstairs in DC this evening, i was trying to decide whether or not to continue trying to chisel away at this "mountain" (my linguistics text) with a "chopstick" (my brain), or just call it a day and head home for some rest. i started worrying to myself about what would happen if i didn't end up passing? what if i couldn't get my degree after this term? what would i do? where would i go? how would the OT's or my parents interpret it in terms of my recovery?

well, after some brief hesitation, i slung on my backpack, headed out of DC, and hopped on my bike for the ride home. i had recalled the words of my highschool rugby coach, the words he had said to us after our team lost its first game after going undefeated for 2 consecutive years: "...life goes on."